A letter from a mama to her son...

To Reggie, 

The moment I had the worst heartburn I’d ever experienced, I knew I was pregnant and from that moment everything changed. Hiding my excitement coming out of the toilet to tell your dad was one of the hardest moments of my life, I knew he’d be as happy as me, he was so happy we actually had to get out of the flat and go for a walk before he spilled it all to nanny. You was good to me, I never really suffered, except the heartburn of course that felt like I was having a heart attack daily. Me and daddy were so excited we couldn’t wait for our 12 week scan so we booked an earlier one, and the minute we heard your little heart beating was a moment we will cherish forever, even more so now. Then come our 12 week scan, when we see you again. You were so naughty in that scan, took a good half an hour to work out you actually did have arms and legs. I remember watching you doing backflips bouncing around of my belly and me and daddy were laughing. Then We rushed to boots to print off a picture for everyone, to gift them as a surprise. I’ve never seen so many happy faces than those who got your very first picture. 

My belly soon started to grow, a moment I’d always been so excited to experience but even more so you being our first, every feeling was like being in a bubble that I never wanted to burst. I was always taking pictures and posting. I remember reaching 21 weeks, I was at work googling when I’d first feel movement when I felt your very first kick, the man I was looking after was fast asleep trying so hard not to wake him but I was so so happy I had a smile like the Cheshire Cat, I didn’t know if it was more movements or butterfly’s with so much excitement. I messaged daddy and told him and he was gutted he wasn’t about when it happened. From then on it was daddy desperately talking to you and being silly trying to get you to do it again. The feeling of your kicks getting stronger and stronger I’d never be able to describe, apart from when your toes were in my ribs and it genuinely felt like I’d done rounds in a boxing ring. Every scan and every moment we see you was amazing, seeing you wriggling away inside, but the moment we found out we were having a little boy was the moment that made us, our little boy. We went straight out to bluewater the day after and daddy must’ve done about £200 on everything blue we could find. 

The midwife appointments were coming to an end and we got the date we’d meet you, 5th January 2023, the countdown was officially on. A few weeks later, things took a turn, I got so ill I needed to go hospital and that’s when it began. the moments your movements were gradually decreasing was a fear I never want to experience again, I have never been so scared in all my life and even though I didn’t say anything to anyone, I just knew I’d never get to grow with you by my side and that haunts me forever and it forever will. We were later told your heart had stopped, my worst nightmare, and the moment a rush of guilt took over me. My whole pregnancy with you I see stories about stillbirth and I panicked at first but began telling myself, no that could never happen to me, not me. But it did. What if I didn’t go out that day and get ill? What if I didn’t have diabetes making me seriously unwell? So many what ifs and I blamed myself, still do to an extent and I always will. I’m your mum, it’s my job to protect you remember? 

Mum guilt is the worst, I remember my whole pregnancy begging that you won’t be born on Christmas Day, my favourite time of the year, I remember selfishly thinking it would ruin it for me, how would I be able to enjoy Christmas if it’s my babies birthday? Was it my fault you died? Then my waters broke, 3am on the 25th December 2022, Christmas Day but more importantly now our angels birthday. Your labour was tough, I was exhausted, you got stuck, I wasn’t in the right mindset at all, but I was gonna birth my baby whatever it took. So an epidural later, and pushing for what felt like forever, the most beautiful baby I’d ever set eyes on was here. Your chubby cheeks, your little nose, your little pouty lips, your really big shoulders, definitely rugby player material, all of you, I loved it all, the perfect mix of both of us at a massive 7Ib 10oz and 54cm I’d never seen a newborn so long. Our hulk. Every emotion went away in that second, apart from not hearing your cry, it felt like everything was okay and you were just asleep, I thought about the day we’d be taking you home, I forgot everything because all i could focus on was my beautiful boy, our little boy we had longed for. Then reality sunk in, I was never going to get to feed you your first bottle, I was never even going to see you open your eyes. My heart crumbled. So many firsts I’d never get to experience, months upon months of waiting and it all taken away in a moment.

I wish I spent more time with you in hospital, had I known I could’ve stayed days, I would’ve, no one really explained what would happen after you was born, no one said I could’ve stayed with you longer, I could’ve taken you for a walk, I could’ve cuddled you for so much longer in my arms and kiss those little pouty lips a thousand times more, because if they had, I would’ve taken more time with you, more photos of you. Me and daddy did come to visit you again a few days later, I knew then I needed more photos of you to cherish, I took so many. Laid there still, the most beautiful angel I’ve ever set eyes on. I rushed over to your Moses basket, where I picked you up straight away, I needed to cuddle you, I knew life would be different after this day, and it would be the last day I ever see you. I didn’t want the day to end, how is it fair I never get to see my baby ever again? To be taken away from me so soon, I hadn’t even got to hear you cry. 

I shouldn’t have had to decide what colour forever bed you should have before I see your first smile, I shouldn’t have had to pick songs for your funeral before I heard your voice. I shouldn’t have had to pick your flowers before you rushed over to me because you’d picked me a Daisy, I shouldn’t have had to plan your funeral, I shouldn’t have had to even need to go to a funeral for you, mums die before their babies, not the other way round. Life can be so so cruel, and we’ve both experienced that. You were taken from me when I needed you and when you needed me. 

I always wonder if you were my good child and your little brother is our naughty child or whether I’ve got both of you being terrors through him. I wonder whether you look just like Harrison, or if you look complete opposite. I wonder if you’d be into the same things as him, Cars at the moment but I know you already know that. There’s so many things I wonder and I can’t wait until the day I find out if I was right. There was a time I already thought I’d be with you by now, and in the most bittersweet way, I’m glad I’m still here, I know you wouldn’t want me up there yet, you’ve probably got so many friends and you have all of our other angels with you until then. There’s not a day I don’t think about you Reggie, and me and Harrison often say goodnight to you when it’s his bed time, but again, you already know that. I hope you hear me when I think off you and when I walk around chatting to you, when one of Harrison’s cars go off and I say “Reggie it’s bedtime now” or when his ball rolls across the front room, you must be ball obsessed too. 

For every robin, every butterfly and every shining star, I know it’s you, we see you and we love you and keep showing us that you’re with us everyday. 

I see something once, and it said all babies taken to heaven too soon are for ladies in heaven that could never have their own, so please Reggie, make someone else a mummy for a little bit until I can come and see you and we can play peekaboo, we can chase each other and more importantly, have limitless cuddles. 

I love you with every part of my being and I’ve never missed anyone half as much as I miss you and will do forever. Forever loved, forever missed, stillborn but still born. My guardian angel always there when I need him. Until the day we meet again Reggie. 

Love mummy xxx